just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Holy shit dude........stairs
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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