remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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