What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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