Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
third nipple confirmed
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm bleeding and have questions
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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