I have demons in me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
