I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
