Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
