god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
