why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i dont even know how to be here
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
