Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Randomize
