I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
