Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
