just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
