god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
