i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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