if i can run in heels then i can drive
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
