At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
