Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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