I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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