oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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