i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
