I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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