It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
