I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
