There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my being single is dangerous.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
