Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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