happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i will never coherently bang her
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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