hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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