He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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