stop calling my apartment porn island.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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