I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
