I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
