Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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