Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
