I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
