I will die if light touches me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
