This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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