By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
