Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
