how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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