I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
