duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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