Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
