I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
