this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
