ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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