Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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