So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
