I just gift wrapped bread.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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