oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude i'm inner monologue high
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
