I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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